Zipline Conservative

November 6, 2008

Republican Underground (Conservative Citizens Mounting the Offensive..ur..from the Underground?)

A humorous marshalling of energy at IMAO (Unfair. Unbalanced. Unmedicated)
Conservative Undergroud Symbol

Republican Undergroud Symbol

Shhhh! I actually own one of these…

“It is time to take hold of the reigns of the Republican Party and the country. This is not the time for whiners and sissies. This must be conservatism at its bone-crushing best.

While the Democrats are focused on their tiny ideas like their piddling crap handouts and free candy — the sort of things little weenie losers get all excited about — we’re going to talk big ideas like Dinosaurs with rocket launchers, nuking the moon, and an economy so powerful and dominating it makes the rest of the world look like a dying wasteland.

While the Democrats rally around words they think are so important but are so empty by themselves such as “Hope”, “Change”, “Unity”, and “Diversity”, we’re going to rally around words like “Awesomeness”, “Kick-Assery”, and “Laser-Firing Death Robots.”

But what we need most of all are strong, simple principles to rally behind. Here’s what I’m thinking:

“Everyone should have guns; all other freedoms derive from that.

The God given rights thing is hard for some people to understand, so I think this makes things simpler. We all get guns and that cannot be infringed anywhere, and people can figure out the other rights from there. Is some hippie going to tell a guy with a gun what he can and can’t say? Only once.

Only whiny little bitches care how much money other people have.

The only reason anyone should be concerned about the success of others is if they want to copy it. How much money someone makes shouldn’t even be the concern of the government. If someone making a lot of money gets you all bothered because it reminds you of what a tiny little penis you have, then you need to live in a sissier country that tolerates whiny babies, pinko.

Other countries should fear us like an angry god.

Having the respect of other countries is nice and all, but usually pretty fickle. Fear is a nice constant. All other countries should know that if you cross us, we will come at you with like a spider monkey. You won’t know what to expect. While you’re running around in caves with AK-47s, we’ll have robots with gattling gun arms, lasers shooting you from space, micro-nukes, death rays, and of course genetically engineered dinosaurs with rocket launchers on them. To have victory against us is as infeasible as winning in a fist fight with the sun.

Government is evil.

It’s a necessary evil, but it is an evil. Any application of government should be done in a somber fashion, as it is a failure of our humanity that we couldn’t handle it as individual citizens. Deciding whether to apply government to solve a problem should be considered on the same level as burning down an orphanage full of children to solve a problem. Deciding to tax should be thought of like deciding to stab an innocent man for our own gain. Anyone who celebrates government is a ghoulish wretch who must be ostracized from polite society.

So that’s my first pass at our defining principles. Anything to add? Remember to keep it simple and basic. This isn’t the belly button-gazing, effete, latte-sipping conservative club.”


1 Comment »

  1. The Republican Underground forum has gotten off the ground at

    I’ve already joined in.

    Comment by Fiar | Conservative Humor — November 8, 2008 @ 6:03 PM | Reply

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